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please help. I love my boyfriend very much, we have been together for over a year now and have been living together for 5 months. for our entire relationship he has accused me of cheating on him. he sometimes ask me if I'm cheating on him several times a day.
I have been cheated on and know how bad it hurts and I've never cheated on anyone before, I never would. I've tried constantly reassuring him sharing my computer passwords with him and calling and texting him several times a day to tell him much I love him and care about him.
Still though he constantly questions me about everything I do from what I eat to how I dress to the music I listen to and who I'm talking to when and what I said. nothing has helped.
His constant questioning in last of trust in me makes me cry all the time. he says the fact that I cry and argue with him let him know that I'm cheating on him, I think I'm beginning to give up hope.
I'm not a cheater and I'm not a bad person but being treated like one every day is destroying me. What can I do?
I am really sorry to hear this. There is an old saying that the ones that continually accuse have something to hide themselves. It may be worth having a conversation with him about expressing how it makes you feel. Also, keep an eye on his behaviour, phone/texting habits and unusual mood swings. It could well be him that is doing something unfaithful. Take the lead on this one and put all your cards on the table.
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What's up with his daily complaints
I just went through this in a 4 year marriage. From what I seen it never stops. I have been reading there's only a few reasons why this happens. 1. He's got a paranoia disorder 2. He's been cheated on before only with this one it isn't a continuous loop. 3. He's hyper sensitve but again reassurance helps this. 4. He's cheated and it redirecting the focus to you to blind you with the truth. What I learned going through this is to not lose yourself I started getting confused wondering why he thought this. Wondered what I was doing wrong. Talked and reassured him every munute. Took pictures of who I was with and where. Nothing and I mean nothing made his false accusations stop. I was starting to blame myself even knowing I hadn't done anything wrong. Saying sorry for his confusion. It was ugly. Then one day I had enough it was hard but I got out. I went back and forth a few times still thinking maybe it's me no it's not etc. No matter what his reason for tormenting you is and I mean even if it's a illness you do not deserve any of it. It won't change no matter how long you wait. No matter how you deal with it. You are risking your own health and mental torment if you are honestly not doing anything he's accusing you of. You can not and will not change him. Get help if you have to but get out before the situation steals your sanity. If he's not willing to admit his problem or get help (counseling) with you, your headed down a road of nothing but misery. Please get out you don't deserve any of it. No matter what you deserve better than what he's doing to you intentionally or unintentionally.
You need to communicate with him better. Trust is built over time and it helps to talk and share ones feelings. It does not even have to be about cheating, just how he makes you feel. I have some suggested reading that can also help with this as well.
Give the book a try, it can really turn a relationship around.
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This is abuse I hate to say. A relationship is supposed to nurture who you are not destroy it. You need to put your foot down and tell him trust me or leave. I have a conversation with all my gf I am with. I let them know that I will never go behind their back and be with another and I ask the same of them. If they have the opportunity with another and want to pursue it I ask that they break it off with me first. With me their is no second chances and I will just move on. After I have that conversation I am confident to be with them. Your man has some self esteem issues he needs to del with. This behavior will get worse until he begins to be physical with you. Step back while you can there are better relationships out there for sure. Stay strong!
There is only so much you can do. You already share your devices openly and make enough contact and verbal reassurance. I think he either needs to trust you, or you need to find someone who will. If you do not give him a reason to distrust you, he has issues he needs to deal with by himself.
I know ow you fell my boyfriends say way and i have never cheated on him. closed my facebook account and made one with us together, ive done everything i can to show him and theres always something, cause i didnt answer phone or call back till like hour later im with someone else. it hurts me bad and to a point where im hateful. how can we make them see we love them and dont want anyone else. i couldnt deal with 2 lol
Often the reason people accuse you of cheating on them is a cover that they are actually cheating themselves on you, its a weird psychology they have, because if you ever found out he was cheating on you his reply will be 'I did it because I thought you were cheating on me'
I'd certainly keep an eye on his activities. There are some products you can buy to detect semen in underware. He sounds like a control freak and obviously you're not happy, so if you're not happy end it sooner than later. It may be hard to hear but it is the best option for you. And, there is a possibility he is cheating on you. I did a lot of reading and research on the subject of 'cheating partners' on classic signs of cheating and that is one of them, as I've had it done to me with a few women.
are you still together?
Stop texts nd calls to him...finally one day he will come to u to check u...that day make situation that ur in sucide attempt....and write a note explaining exactly how u felt "its harder to live destroying me every day with accusing person"......then after he nvr question u again.....if reailse then gud fr both..if nt jus waiting for his realisatn is only thng left with u......and dnt frgt to chk him if he already in a reltn
Has he ever cheated on you or cheated on his previous girlfriends? You may want to find out. That would explain his behavior clearly.
If he doesn't trust you by now he never will. You can't be happy in a relationship without trust. Leave and never look back when a guy acts like that so soon after moving in they become more controlling and then get violent I have seen it happen and it's always the same. You deserve better than that and shouldn't put up with anyone treating you badly.
I am a domestic violence specialist.
That sounds really tough and must make you feel so frustrated. This does sound like abusive controlling behaviour. And I would invite you to maybe seek some professional advice about domestic abuse in case this is what you are going through.
Excessive jealousy and watching the pain he is causing but not doing anything to account for his behaviour is a warning sign. Just be careful and see if any professional organisation around domestic abuse can offer some information and advice. wish you all the best,
www. healingafterabuse .co.uk
If he hasn't learnt to trust you in the time you have been together, then he is never going to trust you. Your relationship will always be this way and possibly even get worse - this is a form of control and could very easily lead to mental abuse. This guy is controlling you - he knows every move you make, who you see, what you listen to, where you go.. this is NOT a healthy relationship. You should have the freedom to be yourself, go where you want and see who you want and not come home to questioning. He should be making you laugh and smile every day, not bring you to tears. This guy has some major issues that he needs to sort out for himself - this is NOT anything to do with you and it's not your fault, but he needs to sort his sh*t out. You need to be strong, by giving in to him you are giving him control over you and you are letting him tear you down. You deserve the right to your privacy. I would slowly start taking some control back - when his questioning gets out of control or he's accusing you of cheating, just walk away. Don't let him treat you like that. Sit him down and tell him straight out that he has a choice - he can learn to trust you because you are doing nothing wrong, or he can leave, but you will not put up with the way he treats you. The walk away. If he can't accept your right to privacy and learn to trust and be a true bf, then you are so much better without him.
i read your post and am really sorry you are going through this. You've let him realize you cant cheat on him yet he still cant stop believing you, i wouldn't conclude he doesn't believe you. he might just bee pretending. I believe you would have sit him down times without number to convince him. Now is the time to make correction to your problem. Just be yourself. You could also get good facts from this link www.thedatinghow.com/melt-his-heart.html
i hope this helps
I'm in the same exact possiton too. It sucks, my boyfriend is graduating 2 years before me and he is always saying how i cheat on him and im gonna do it when he leaves. I love him like crazy and it hurts knowing h thinks im that kind of person. I dated this one guy and he cheated on me 8 times. so I know the pain of it and would never put anyone i love through that. Be strong though. They have the Maury show. I dont know if you heard of it before but it is a great way to prove to him that you dont cheat. I havent gone on the show. But ive seen it enough to know it works.
Im in the same boat, my boyfriend has had an open relationship with his ex but then she took it to the extreme and started cheating heavily on him. Now I am in this with him, and for the first 7 months all I heard was how wonderful I was how much he loved me and cherished me and now it is constant you have a boyfriend, are you looking for a boyfriend you are cheating on me I am not enough or attractive for you are you looking, you are cheating you are just pretending, I am hearing that more than I am hearing I love you, I truly love you, I have never loved anyone like I love you, I love you so much I can't stand it. I have been cheated on and I would never do that to another person. I have been told by my ex that I never loved you for almost our entire relationship, I have been just pretending and faking I don't respect you you are just an embarrassment and frustration. I am so confused myself cause I was so beat down and made to feel so inferior that this new relationship with what he told me for the time he was flirting with me and then the first 7 months of our relationship it was amazing to be told and shown that you are so cherished - then to have that end and just be mostly accused of this hurts. I tried to tell my boyfriend I miss those first months where he would shower me with words and touches and kisses and tell me how important I was to him, he scoffed at me and say Oh come on you can't stay in the same place you evolve" What he doesn't understand and will listen to is that all his constant telling me he is inferior and that I am looking elsewhere and accusing me of looking for a boyfriend has destroyed my trust and confidence in our relationship. He won't listen I feel for you, it is hard
Usually the one accusing the other of cheating is the one cheating. He has your passwords, wants to know who you've talked to and about what? He wants to know what you're wearing? These are all red flags, he will only get worse he has no self esteem or trusting bone in his body. You've been with him 8 months next it will turn into violence, cut your loses now get what you can of your stuff out of there while he is at work then once that's done and leaves for work again run just as far as you can and don't look back, got to your court house and file a VPO against him he sounds just crazy enough to try to harm you so stay with friends or family for awhile, your life just might depend on it. Good luck and God bless you
This guy is cheating on you. Get out now. They get more and more abusive. I had one of these. He almost killed me. They only accuse you to keep you so occupied by defending yourself, you can't see what THEY are doing. It was the worst year of my life. It cost me financially for five years after he left me, moved out, stole everything and moved in with the girl he was cheating on me with. RUN FOR THE HILLS, ANY GIRL READING THIS. GET OUT NOW!!!! No man who is faithful and respects you accuses you of things you haven't done. REMEMBER ladies, NO ONE will respect you until you respect yourself, best advice I ever received.
I am really sorry you experienced an abusive partner.
I am glad you are out - if you ever need to chat and have some emotional support around this experience if you suffer with hurtful memories, low self-esteem, anxiety etc, please feel free to contact our service -
www. healingafterabuse .co.uk
I agree with everything you said.
I saw this post pop up on my news feed on facebook the other day. This post is 4 months old, but lots of people left me helpful advice (and a few some not so helpful advice). Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to leave, I actually left him two weeks after I made this post when the emotional manipulation turned to physical violence. I never thought I would be the type of girl to end up in an abusive relationship, when he hit me, it was easy to identify as abuse. It was not so easy to see that the accusations, putting me down, telling me I wasn't good enough all the time, were abuse too. He just told me he was a really honest person and wouldn't tell me these things if he didn't love me, and only wanted to know everything about me, but that was a lie, even if he was lying to himself.
We went to two therapy sessions together after I posted this, and he became very heated and threatened the counselor when she said the situation made her uncomfortable and perhaps if I "did nothing at all that ever made him feel loved" that he should leave me. He just wanted her to convince me I was crazy and a bad girlfriend for failing to make him feel secure. She refused to see us again, citing that he made her uncomfortable. This made me realize he was not only abusive to me, he had an abusive personality.
I won't go more into that, but 4 months later I am doing great. I am proud that I got up and walked away from a bad situation. I cut off all contact with him. I am now back in grad school, something he had told me might be a "bad idea" because I wouldn't have enough time for our relationship. I'm able to concentrate better and am doing better at work because I do not have to check in 30 times a day and actually sleep through the night. My relationships with my family and friends have improved dramatically and I am now seeing a sweet, caring, wonderful man. He is very supportive and tells me every day how lucky he is to have me. I now know that THIS is what love feels like, and it does not hurt.
Many people suggested I was being cheated on, maybe I was, I'll never know. Some people suggested I stop cheating. You might as well tell pigs not to fly. No one can stop doing something they've never done. Many people suggested I run, and this post is for all of you who did. Thank You. I did run, and if anyone else in this situation is reading this, RUN! This is not what love feels like.
Awwh :) Good on you! I'm glad you're doing so much better for yourself. :)
Glad to hear it! You're one of the lucky ones.
im happy for you =)
congratulations for getting away and being happier from it :)
wanna know my advice?????? Say to him "Trust me, or leave me" .... I know you will feel very broken if you love him so much, but i give you choice , stay like that and let him destroy you, or leave him , even you are broken alot, at least its not everyday, because one day later you will find someone way better
in my experience, (and trust me, i have been there more than once), he sees guys look at you and is insecure about himself. he is scared to lose you. giving your passwords and calling him constantly just gives him control, and there will come a day when you want control of your own life. you can't be babysitting him and his irrational fears all the time, its draining and takes a piece of you. one of two things is happening, either 1. he feels guilty for something he has done. or, and more likely, 2. he is insecure and nothing you do or say will get through to him, because its not YOU thats the problem, its him. he needs to get help, seek counselling or something. because that sounds very controlling and in my experience leads to abusive, angry behavior. and by then you're all in, stuck and attached. and i don't want to see that happen to anyone. if he doesn't trust you, there is no pillars for the relationship to stand on. and if you have done nothing to make him distrust you then he needs to seek help for his issues, because its obviously something underlying that you cannot fix for him. if you care, tell him in a nice way he needs to get help, because if not you two aren't going to make it.. not in a healthy/happy way atleast. i hope that helps. good luck hun.
Honey it's too close for you to see that he is one cheating.
I know the popular response is the "he is propably cheating". But IMO he is being abusive. This is one of the first steps an abuser uses to gain control and it's worked! Look, he has ALL your passwords and he has you checking in with him constantly!!! This is NOT a healthy relationship. When one person gives over the control to the relationship, it will NEVER work out. It will just keep escalating. I have BTDT. You need to think things through and decide what kind of relationship you want. Then sit down with your BF and let him know your expeditions. CHANGE all your passwords and DON'T check in. If he can't handle that, he needs some serious help. I recommend therapy any way. I can predict his reaction. He will either blame YOU for his insecurities or will cry and say you don't love him.
My relationship with with my husband is equal. We talk and tell each other about our day. I do not "check in with him". He does NOT have my passwords to ANYTHING. Its called respect. Demand YOURS!
This is also very true ether way she needs to get out!
Ok, after reading such details and what not.
Chances are it might be him that's cheating. But that's been said already. The real questions here is, why might he think you be cheating so much? Do you have far too many single male "friends" that you talk to on a daily basis when you aren't talking to your boyfriend? Being that he has your passwords and what not is a good thing, it shows you don't have anything to hide, but might it be some people you talk to that he don't know? Maybe you might be getting a little more dolled up than usual and not really noticing?
My advice, pay close attention to what you do, that's exactly what your boyfriend is doing. What you might consider harmless to you, he doesn't think so. That might be the solution to your problem here. Either that or get the for certain solution and you both get a lie detector test asking the following question.
1. While in a relationship with (Your name/His name), have you had any type of sexual relationship with any other male or female?
That is all.
I would remove the word Dr. from your name, your advice is hardly professional...She obviously is so enamored with him, I doubt she is leading him on to believe she is cheating. That is what folks are going by. I know you want to play devils advocate, but it is clear as day there is just blatant abuse here. Regardless of what is really going on.
this guy sounds like he is sick in the head. Slave is right. Move out change your number and passwords and passwords to emails computer whatever he knows. Security answers and if that doesn't stop him from bothering you restraining order his a*s. He is dangerous. Have you ever watched the show "Snapped" or "Fatal Vows" he has all the signs leave before it's too late
this guy sounds like a insecure control freak. if he always thinks you cheating he doesn't trust you and probably never will. you shouldn't share your passwords it's your facebook or whatever. he wants you do what he says and when he says, he wants you to be like slave.
you should end things with this guy. it's probably never going to get better.
you're a good person, find someone who will treat you like it.
Bayeck i couldn't agree more
i totally agree!
Usually if they are constantly accusing you of cheating, then THEY are the ones cheating. I was in a relationship like that before. My ex fiance was always accusing me of cheating. His was self esteem issues, but he had me beaten down so emotionally and mentally, that I stayed...until he started drinking more and became violent. Next time he asks you if you are cheating on him, try to dig deeper and get inside his head. Find out WHY he thinks that, what proof he thinks he has..If he skirts having that conversation with you, ask him who HE'S cheating on YOU with..make sure to watch his face closely for reactions.
Exactly i had this exact thing happen with my exboyfreind. I say he's the cheater get out now while u still can girl
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