After four and a half years, I caught my girlfriend sexting a long lost friend that had popped up out of nowhere. Her actions were 100% wrong, but at the same time I am trying to avoid a victim’s mentality. I have looked at our relationship and seen how I enabled her by putting her on a pedastal and sacrificing/compromising too much. I let her be too comfortable with mistreating me because of my own self esteem issues. Long story short, I was too nice and she fell for the ‘bad boy’.
Avoiding this victim’s mentality of “not my fault” “couldn’t do anything about it” “time will heal” etc., has allowed me to be proactive about my healing and growth from this situation. I do not by any means disregard the importance of time though. It’s just my personality to take action.
I know I should have done 100% no contact from the start, but my instincts are to protect her (physically, mentally, emotionally etc.) and to love her. Also we have many mutual friends and she has some family members with health issues that I would want to be there for, if the worst were to happen.
The main problem is that she has been trying to pursue a relationship with the guy she cheated on me with. She is trying to validate her actions because if things work out with the new guy, in her mind she’ll be able to say “at least I am happy and not alone.” With rebound relationships the problem always lies in the fact that you try to escalate things too quickly because it is such a shock to lose a long term relationship. That’s why they don’t work out. But for me to see how quickly she has escalated things is painful.
I don’t want to be in a relationship with her. I personally think that she needs to be single and grow up, really focusing on her self esteem issues. She wants me in her life still, but it is painful to watch her pursue this guy. If I disappeared it would devastate her and she would cope with the loss with reckless behavior, which I would hear about through our mutual friends. I feel like I’m stuck between shooting my left foot off or chopping off my right. I’ve been trying to take care of both of our emotions and guide both of us through this break up. I’m in for a world of hurt either way, I feel.
I have actually confronted him too (somehow with a level head) and he really is as big of a lowlife as you would imagine. No remorse, just boys will be boys. And he can do no wrong in her eyes because she desperately wants him to be worth both of our broken hearts.
Knowing that I cannot realistically go 100% no contact. How do I cope with this situation? To fully tell the story would take several dozen pages and several hours, but I’d appreciate any advice, insight, or support with what little information I’ve given.