So, recently (well, 6 months ago) out of a 6 year relationship. It’s now kind of starting to sink in that were not together anymore. We started off dating senior year of HS, we both were each other’s first real bf and gf. We did everything together; went to the same colleges, only hung out with each other most of the time, took the same classes, and eventually moved in together. All of it felt like it was heading in the direction where it was supposed to be headed-marriage. Then when we started living together, life got harder, I couldnt find a job right away, he was working on his Masters (supporting) both of us, he began to resent and put me down me for not working or being in school. Eventually I found a job, but last year things took a turn for the worst, we no longer made an effort to please the other, or be romantic; we didn’t feel like a couple anymore; there was this feeling of emotional disconnection. And, on top of that, he was no longer really paying attention to me, which led me to become infatuated with someone at work. This person would pay attention to me, ask for my opinion on things, ask me about my interests. So, I was infatuated with someone at work, and coming home to my bf where it was silent, not romantic, not playful atmosphere. We just co-existed. It got to be unbearable having this infatuation, so I eventually told my bf that I felt something was missing between us and I told him what was happening. I’d never cheat on him or anyone EVER, but I couldnt figure out why werent connecting anymore. I would come home anxious, nervous, cry myself to sleep because I was connecting with someone and feeling extremely happy around someone I had just met and not feeling a real connection with the guy I’d been with for 6 years. My ex-bf, a very reasonable guy, said that attractions happen all the time and not to be worried, but little did I know at the time was that he was also feeling disconnected from me and later he disclosed that he felt something was off for 2 years and didnt tell me. The relationship kept declining after that conversation. We would try everything we could to revive the relationship, having movie night, cooking together, celebrating holidays together; everytime though I felt something was missing. Ever since I met the person at work, I began comparing my interaction with him, to my interaction with my bf and it didn’t measure up. We didn’t have chemistry or a playfulness feeling between us. I couldnt understand it. I would avoid the person at work hoping it would help the situation, but it didn’t. I wanted it to work with my ex-bf so badly, but every attempt felt like it was me forcing something. We broke up twice before he officially ended it. To this day, I didn’t want to break up and still wanted to hang on to what we had. I kept contacting him until about 5 months ago; hoping he would want to try again, but he said he couldnt because we tried and nothing worked. He has a gf already now and has had one for 1.5 months; it hurts tremendously and every time I think about it I ask myself, “could this have been prevented?” “Did I cause this by becoming infatuated with someone and neglecting my bf?” Feelings of sadness, betrayal over him finding someone new already and so soon literally haunt me, I have dreams/nightmares sometimes. I ask myself if this girl was in the picture before we broke up because it’s too soon to be in a relationship. Before he got a gf and before I stopped contacting him, he was cruel in that he threatened to block my phone number, he would raise his voice at me, told me to quit being melodramatic, and ignored my texts and emails (before getting a gf). I felt like I sacrificed my dignity and dont want to message him ever unless he messages me. When he did those things, I began to blame myself bc I thought, “hey, if I wouldnt have gotten infatuated with someone this wouldn’t be happening and he wouldnt be so cruel towards me”. I just don’t know whether to be angry him, whether to accept that it was young love, or whether to think that I deserve more bc he wasnt a loving bf anymore. He was extremely devoted, but he did put me down for not meeting a certain standard or expectation; he wasn’t caring or sensitive anymore.
Just trying to wrap my head around all of this. In addition to the information above, we never spoke about marriage and when I’d bring it up he would blow off the subject. He later told me after the break up that the reason why he never took the relationship further was because he just couldnt see the feeling in the future. I guess after typing all of this out, it seems to me that our relationship was doomed to fail….but I’d like your opinions.
Just an aside, I feel like I’m truly living now that I’m not with him anymore. I didn’t have a clear sense of self while in the relationship, now I’m doing and creating myself and it feels great. Just a lot of the time, I get into periods of sadness and regret over what happened and I begin to blame myself. Thought we would always be together. Everything is so different now; he’s gone, so is my past with him, his friends, his family. I’ve been forced to change my whole life and all that I’ve known for 6 years….it’s painful.