How do I forgive myself?

HomeCategory: BreakupsHow do I forgive myself?
WillGetThru asked 6 years ago

I’m finally trying to move on with my life after the ending of my 7 year relationship. It was my first and my ex’s first relationship at 17 years old. We did everything together and experienced life together. Went to the same colleges, took some of the same classes, eventually moved in together. He was devoted, generous, kind, thoughtful, and righteous. Those were the qualities that I respected and loved about him. I saw myself being with him forever. I always felt though that he loved me more than I loved him. He always knew exactly what I’d need or wanted to make me happy; he would take the time to understand me and my interests, whereas with me…I didn’t realize this until after breaking up, that I never took an interest in his interests.

I loved him and valued his company, but his interests I didn’t really much care for. Anyway, he was just completely devoted and stuck by me through everything. After we moved in together though, he began to put me down for not having a job or  not being in school. He was supporting us both while getting his Masters. I was struggling to find a job for a long time. F

ast forward to last year, I felt our relationship was still going strong, we were in our own little routine, living together, still going out on dates, making time for one another. We stopped making time for one another while he was studying, but we still went out on little outings here and there, took a getaway trip. I felt there was something missing though –neither one of us had many friends outside of the relationship. We always just hung out together. I didn’t know myself and didnt have a sense of who I was and what I wanted. All my gfs had moved away, so my only social interaction came from being with my bf. Who at the time couldnt really put much effort into the relationship because he was studying for his degree –i completely understood. On top of that, I’ve been in a  transition period, trying to figure out my own life….what to do career wise, where to go to school, not having enough friends nearby.

So, I made an effort to reach out more to people I semi-knew or had weak ties in effort to be more social and meet new people. So, I began talking and netowkring with more people at work, realizing it was important to maintain an active social life outside of the relationship. In my process with doing that though, I became infatuated with someone. I knew I wanted to be with my bf, there was no doubt. But, this person just consumed my mind like no one else ever did. They were intelligent, they asked me about my opinions and valued my thoughts. I began to fall for someone outside of my relationship. It was the scariest time in my life because I knew I wanted to be with my bf, but I had no idea why or how this could be happening. I’d never felt that way towards anyone, ever, not even my bf.

I would make efforts and attempts to try and avoid the person that’d cause me to feel happier in my day, but it wouldn’t work. Evenutally, this began to take it’s toll on my relationship. I’d come home anxious, nervous. and became distant and removed from my bf. I just couldnt understand what was wrong with me. I had developed a connection with someone outside of my relationship and in turn, I couldnt feel anything in my current one. We tried for a long time to bring the spark back. My bf was understanding and reasonable. He told me that attractions happen all the time and not be worried about this ruining our relationship.

The siuation didn’t get better though. It just kept getting worse, I’d go to work see the person I was infatuated with, be completely consumed by them to the point where I couldnt concentrate. Then I would come home and our same routine after 7 years didn’t measure up anymore. We tried for 6 months to get our relationship back but nothing we did was ever enough. My bf had made many attempts to make me happy, but it still didn’t help. My question is, how do I forgive myself? We were pretty solid for 7 years, although my ex tells me that he had been questioning the relationship for 2 years, but didnt tell me.

My ex tells me not to blame myself because he said obviously there was something missing between us for me to begin feeling this way. He’s a reasonable guy, and that’s why it’s so hard for me to forgive myself and let go because that’s how much of a great guy he was. We broke up 7 months ago and he has a new gf already, and has had one for 2 months now. I don’t even have any interest in dating anyone. I wanted to keep trying at our relationship even after he broke up with me. I dont want to date, because that means letting go. It’s so difficult forgiving myself…I’m not a bad person and I didn’t cheat; I just felt completely infatuated with someone. I wanted my relationship to work though….

How do I move on? How do I forgive myself? I haven’t let myself live normally for a long time now bc I’ve been dwelling on the past. I loved him, he was my whole world and now, he’s gone and with someone else. He does deserve happiness and someone who won’t distance herself from him, but I just don’t understand why this happened to me.