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Pushed into a position that has rendered me with NO self esteem, few friends, and little hope. Help.

HomeCategory: BreakupsPushed into a position that has rendered me with NO self esteem, few friends, and little hope. Help.
Comparelf asked 6 years ago

So… This began four years ago with my fiancĂ©e walking out on me for a woman. My defense mechanism for past breakups has been to find SOMETHING to hate in the other individual. Something to feel other than pain. Anyway, I languished for four years alone, single, and miserable… And I hated it. I hated waking up and knowing that I had to look myself in the mirror and realize that “I wasn’t good enough”. And I tried to find someone. For four years I looked. I would go out to bars, bookstores and other places that might have like interested people… And time and again I was shot down… I had one say ” Id rather lie on railroad tracks than be seen in public with you…” And finally I stopped looking, and I told myself “I’m okay on my own, I don’t need anyone” Skip ahead several years. A lost friend of mine who I attended elementary school with sees me at work and asks to hang out and we hit it off. Says a lot about a girl whose first date consists of Army of Darkness and a frozen pizza. She told me her story, where shed been, what shed done after we lost contact after elementary school. She told me that she was an 18 month recovering addict. That she became tired of living that life and enrolled in a rehab program…. I admired this more than anything. She changed her life on the power of her will alone. A judge didn’t make her. No cop said “go to rehab or go to jail”. She did it on her own power. And it inspired me. And In the time I knew he she made me a better person.. I quit smoking after nearly a decade of it. Began working out, getting fit. I loved her with everything I was. We never fought and things were great… Or so I thought… One night she sits me down and says “I need to be on my own for now… I’m starting school soon and I need to focus on that, and I want to just focus on living and loving life. It’s nothing you did.” This crushed me… I became a depressed wreck… My father had a stroke a few days later… And as I got worse and worse I relied on her to help me… The relationship immediately following the breakup was very ambivalent… We slept together… She told me she loved me. And she slowly ceased these things little by little… And each time, my world got darker and darker. And I grasped for her… Finally she told me that she called it off because I was throwing up red flags of codependency… That she wanted some who could love life with her and not because of her. And I understood… I can see how that would scare her as a result of her former lifestyle… But still I struggled to hold tight to the friendship… She did too… For a time.. Very recently she said “I think I should remove you from Facebook… I know you seeing me living my life is torturing you… And I don’t want to hurt you.” I begged her not to, and she said “I have to… Well still talk and text, and it’s not like we hardly talk on Facebook anyway” (which was true, still.. It felt she was pushing me out of her life completely). And then I asked her outright… ” is it anyone I know?” She cried and said no… But she was in a relationship…this pushed me over a ledge… We talked up untill two or three days ago and she said “I can’t talk to you for a couple of weeks, maybe longer depending on you. But you’re unstable and It brings me to such a dark place. I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through. Goodbye for now.” Currently I’m seeking psychiatric counseling how depression and anxiety. I miss her so much. I’m trying to respect her wishes and not contact her for the time being. But it’s incredibly difficult. I have to face that once again, I have failed as completely as one can. I feel like a freak. I know that I’m going to be alone for another four years (if not longer). I keep hoping shell contact me… But that rational side says she won’t… And my defense mechanism from before? In spite of my best efforts… I can’t hate her. I tried… If anyone can help me, I’ll take all the advice I can get…