Cohabiting partner of three years may not be the one for me

HomeCategory: BreakupsCohabiting partner of three years may not be the one for me
whitelake asked 1 year ago

I currently live with my girlfriend in a rented apartment. We’ve been together for just over three years and have lived together for two. We’re both in our 20s.
I’m not unhappy in our relationship, exactly, but I have deep concerns that she and I aren’t right for each other. I wish I could say that these are fresh concerns, but the idea has crossed my mind on a number of occasions over the past three years. I first gave the idea serious merit about eight months ago and ended up dismissing it. I’m now having much the same thoughts but I’ve put a little more effort into really drilling down to what is making me feel this way.
Neither of us have done anything to wrong the other in any overt or acute way. No cheating, no abuse, no run-ins with the law; nothing like that. I don’t doubt that we’re in love. I do have serious doubts about the longevity of the relationship.
I of course had a feeling that things weren’t right and, as such, I’ve spent some time reading through articles online about “signs he/she is the one” or, conversely, “signs he/she isn’t the one”. I naturally take these articles into consideration along with other factors, but it’s hard to ignore what I’ve thought since reading such things. I must continue to clarify that I don’t think my girlfriend is a bad person and I don’t harbour significant negativity with regards to the relationship; I do have strong feelings that we could each be happier with someone else, though.
While these feelings have come to the fore of my mind infrequently, they have appeared more than once. My girlfriend may have some emotional insight into this as she occasionally asks me questions like “Why are you with me?” or “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who is like <x>?”. This might come from her own insecurity or doubts about the relationship, or she might genuinely be more attuned to my emotions than I give her credit for.
I could justify my doubts at length but I’m not sure what it would gain. I suppose I’m posting here in the hopes that somebody who reads this has been through a similar process and taken action one way or the other. Did you stay with them? Did you leave? Did you make the right choice? Do you have any regrets?
There are also practicalities that might prevent me from following through, even if I decided it was in our best interests to separate. What do I do about the remaining time on our rental agreement (the best part of a year)? What about our pets? I worry that she doesn’t have much of a life besides me; where will she go? Is this my concern? How much time and effort is proper to invest in making sure she’s happy after we’re no longer in a romantic relationship? Could you, the reader, share any of your own thoughts if you’ve been through this, or know someone who has?

2 Answers
oliverjones answered 1 year ago

My best advice would be to ask yourself a few questions.

1 are you attracted to her?

2 are you ready to settle down with anyone, let alone her. You are still very young.

If you break up the pets thing and rental agreement are all secondary worries that are easily sorted.

whitelake answered 1 year ago

I am attracted to her, but significantly less so than I used to be. I have wandering eyes where I didn’t before.

I’ve never been fond of flings/relationships with an expiry date. Whenever I start dating someone, I assume it could be the opening chapters of a lifelong relationship.