This is gonna be kinda long, and very detailed. I’ll say now that anybody with issues around sexual assault or self harm may not want to read this.
So, I’ve recently started dating a guy, quite shortly after a break up. It’s not a rebound, I’ve never, ever had a rebound, and we’ve been friends for several months. He’s a really lovely, kind, caring, considerate guy, and I like him a lot.
Either tonight or next weekend, I’m going to his house and we’re going to, well, have sex. Happy days for me!
Thing is, I have a LOT of scarring on my legs and stomach, scarring that he hasn’t seen yet. The scars are from self harm. Basically, I was raped repeatedly, choked, beaten and lots of other nasty stuff in a relationship when I was 17. It’s how my virginity was lost, it was taken by force. I have bipolar disorder, and that, along with PTSD and anxiety after being raped, led to me self harming quite badly for a few years. It’s over 4 years since I last self harmed, and it’s 6 years since I was raped. I’ve come very, VERY far. I’m off all medication and have my bi-polar under control without needing medication, thanks to some fantastic therapists and psychiatrist teams. My life is honestly really good. I’m not ashamed of my past or my scars. What happened to me wasn’t my fault, and I know that. It’s taken me years to realise it, but I’m happy and don’t suffer too much because of my past.
But, he’s going to see the scars. And I don’t know how to approach the subject when he asks. Should I? Or should I do what I’ve done with everyone in the past, and say that they’re from an accident (I have a very plausible story that even my extended family and most of my friends believe).
I feel like I should be honest with him, but I don’t really know how to broach it. Part of me is afraid of telling him in case he runs, but at the same time, if he were to run after hearing about my past, I’d rather it happen now instead of later.
So, what do I do, or how do I do it?