Past experiences

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Liz asked 2 years ago

So during the summer I dated this boy, we’ll call him Scott, and he was my first everything; love, relationship, kiss, sex. I loved him so much, but the relationship went downhill and we ended up breaking up. That was the worst depression I’ve experienced, I couldn’t have a moment without him on my mind. Throughout that, I had this one guy, we’ll call Mike, who really helped me heal and learn to be okay. We’re together now, but I really don’t think I’m over Scott. I still think about him and miss him and cry about him sometimes. I still imagine him coming back and us working it out. I think if he did come back I would probably go to him.. I know with these thoughts, I probably shouldn’t be with Mike, but I feel bad.. he’s helped me with so much and he’s honestly a great guy. And we were friends before so I don’t wanna ruin that.. also, I’m Mike’s first girlfriend, and I don’t want to scar him by making it like he’s second best. Also, if I’m honest with myself, one of the reasons I don’t want to leave him is because he gives me a ride to and from school and I don’t want want to ride the bus… I do like him, but I’m not sure if it’s really right for me to stay with him when I’m still thinking about the past and missing my ex.. and I really don’t want to hurt him.. almost like I owe it to him because he helped me so much..

1 Answers
Evolzippo answered 2 years ago

And herein lies the reason that “nice guys finish last”. This was a guy who swooped in, right when you needed him. He played the role of “white knight” and used what he could do for you to win him over. 
Speaking as a guy who used to be like that, I can tell you that it never got me anything except a lot of need-based companionship. Girls would cling to me in a time of need, then back off when they got their wits back.
The truth is, you can’t treat love like a lightbulb. You can’t just plug a new love in when the one you have burns out. You need to be single for a while and sort your life out. Let your wounds heal. Don’t use someone else to distract yourself from the hurt. That’s not fair to anyone.
As far as how to handle the mess you’re in, just be honest with Mike. Tell him you’re not feeling a relationship with him. And that this is not something you can do anymore. Don’t ask him if it’s okay to break up. Just tell him it’s over. Maybe give him one last “goodbye” tumble, and call it quits. 
As far as your ex goes, if you two were really a match, you wouldn’t have broken up. Or, if it was a misunderstanding, you two would have worked it out. The important thing is to work on yourself now. Don’t try to rush. Don’t try to “get back out there” before you’re ready. You’ll know you’re ready, when dating feels like a good idea again. It’ll happen, and it won’t take forever. Trust me, I’ve been through a strikingly similar ordeal.
And that’s the best advice I can give.

Liz replied 2 years ago

Thank you so much. I’ve come to the decision that being single is definitely the best idea for me right now, but I decided to wait until after thanksgiving break to break up with him so that he can enjoy the holiday. It’s always nice to hear others advice and perspectives, so thank you for responding 🙂