Hi, i hope somebody reads this because I am Truly sick and tired of fighting this c**p on my own. Im 24 years of age and i constantly struggle everyday. I live with my mother and my grandmother, and i can say that this environment is toxic for me. My grandmother is a paranoid Skizophrenic she gets injected with Modecate, and she has been sitting around for years just watching television and constantly smoking and i think she has emphesema, she is by far one of the most negative people i have ever came across in my life. My mother has had a neck injury and she hasn’t been able to return to the work she done in the past now she just sits at home and works from Ebay before she was a chronic alcoholic which nearly died in hospital, she came back to life and now she lives with us before i lived with my grandmother i lived in Orange with my mother for 10 years and we came back to Sydney because she didnt want to be in orange anymore and either did I so we come to stay with my nan and we have been living here for 3 years now when we moved down here i got into a relationship with a guy who was a creep he was controlling and physically abusive and used to bash me all the time it took me 2 years to get out of that relationship then i jumped into another relationship not long after with another guy and he ended up being a control freak and verbally abusive it took alot of guts for me to actually leave the relationship because i never got the opportunity to meet any friends because these controlling boyfriends i had wouldn’t let me I haven’t worked in a long time because i have had issues on top of issues and haven’t had it in me to face work as i had social anxiety and it was debilitating but now that im kind of okay and need to find work i find it so difficult to actually find employment as its so hard up here and that leaves me feeling depressed and financially unfit..
I have a condition called Borderline personality disorder and i have no additional support from anyone. I have been cutting myself since i was 13 years old my condition was triggered by my family.. I never knew my dad i grew up without him and he ended up dying in 2009 so i never got the opportunity to meet him. I can say that i have improved within myself alot after finding spirituality and having hope but thats all I have. I have some big dreams and the problem is i always chop and change what i want to do i cannot get clear on what i want like why am i here i would love to know the purpose.. I have chopped and changed so many times its so frustrating and confusing everyday i am on the pc researching ways on how to get out of the mess that im actually in. I have my family telling me that im lazy to work which is not true i want to be in a working environment i actually like and do something i like rather than spending my precious time in a job i dont like. I have alot of internal conflict within my own mind i have way to many worries and i have nobody to talk to as i get pushed away from my family constantly.
I cant even get all of this out.. My grandmother calls me ugly says that i look like im 30, she says some really negative things to me i feel so depressed i feel like i live in a dungeon with these two people that offer me no encouragement and when i try to talk about my problems with them they say youll be alright, my mum says look i have problems to. Nobody knows how hard it is to actually live with BPD. So i keep all of these things to myself. I think i need a mentour but i cant find one. I have also found out that i’m actually pregnant to my ex but we broke up 2 weekes ago and I need to have an abortion, but i cannot come up with the money for that. I have nobody just nobody to talk to most of the time i want to kill myself. But i have some good plans for my life the problem is i lack motivation, i procrastinate constantly no self discipline.. I feel like i could have explained my problem alot better but this is all i could do for now and there is much more but i dont know what to do anymore