Once again, I attract on of “those” girls as a support system. This is the 3rd woman with this kind of disposition that I allowed in my life the past 4 years. This s**t has to stop. Only like minded souls in my life moving forward. They are not always easy to find, but these women are not nice around here.
What is it with these “women”, and I use that term loosely, that feel the need to take sweet, kind and loving people like me…”fix” me, then chew me up and talk s**t about me behind my back? I am very supportive, I think I am a really, really good friend. Very positive, a good cheerleader to others, very, very loving and compassionate. I never tell people they are wrong or that there is anyting negative about them. I truly, truly accept people for who they are, warts and all. I really embrace the concept that it is our differences that make us unique and special. I love to learn about people, their buttons, what makes them tick as it helps me to figure out myself and I find human behavior absoutely fascinating.
I am definitely a “giver” and I don’t get a fraction back that I give to others (not that I expect payback but if I’m in pain, in the hospital or just need to vent, you would think that an offer would be coming. I will never take the help, but I was raised you at least offer. Especially if someone has been there for me…it’s supposed to be a give and take, no?)…this has left me feeling used and abused, but it is my fault. I allowed it to happen. I am clearly too trusting and I give people the benefit of the doubt, even when they don’t earn it.
I am not perfect, I have made mistakes (but it is my life and it is my choice how to live it. I don’t hurt anyone and I may not always make the smartest moves all the time, but I figure it out eventually…when I’m ready to). That said, how sad is it that I find out someone I really cared about has been repeating very personal things (thank lord I have been feeding her bullshit to see how far she will take it for many months now and sure as s**t she went further than even I expected…how disappointing).
One one hand I feel very sorry for her. She had a lifelong friend in me. I never talked badly about her even though I knew she was talking about me behind my back. I really put a lot of effort, time and love into her. I saw her pain, I really, really wanted to help her. There is so much good about her but there is this one ugly, ugly side of her. This has been going on for a very long time. She has to be the center of attention, she will introduce people to each other but if we get along without her, she feels threatned. She talks about people with the intention of making them look badly so we don’t migrate toward each other, then continuing the cycle that she is the one healthy one and the others will follow her. It’s a sick cycle but despite this, I still tried to be her friend, ignore that part of her and be there for her. I tried so hard to show her that it was OK to be vulnerable, to let others in, to be supportive and accepting of others and their flaws.
I finally snapped…she humiliated me, herself, my friends, she had the audacity to comment negatively on my daughter in public (she is in the Navy, half way across the world), embarrass her boyfriend in public etc and I just couldn’t take it any more and I engaged in a huge blow out. Although I knew what she was talking about me a very long time ago, I can’t help but feel badly about the whole thing. Consistent with me and who I am but still…people can be really, really disappinting. I feel like I am a failure for not being able to reach her, for being stupid and trusting that she wasn’t betraying me despite the evidence she was for a very long time…I feel so sad that I couldn’t help her. Stupid, I know, but that is who I am.