No advice needed.
All I need is to vent and heal.
I’d rather not talk to my friends about this because they basically have no experience with serious, committed and long (+1 year) relationships and can never really understand what I am going through.
So… here goes.
When I met my current boyfriend, I was in a relationship with someone else. I had been dating my ex for 2,5 years, but we’d gotten to the point that I almost hated him because he lied constantly about everything he did and disrespected me on every occasion – he even had an emotional affair that he lied about for a very long time and which he had picked up again last year, even though we had made a deal about talking to other girls. We hardly ever saw each other anymore and I was already planning on a break-up. So when I met my current boyfriend and we got along very well, I immediately broke off the old relationship.
That said, my current boyfriend, let’s call him R, was different that any person that I’d ever met before. R gave me lots of attention and affection, he talked to me about everything and tried to treat as best as he could. However, since my ex was such an a-hole, I am a bit sensitive to being lied to and him being close to other girls (but I tried really hard to get over this part). So, unfortunately, R has not always been his honest self around me, hiding things or with lies of omission…
Our first issue was right in the beginning of our relationship. He told me there was another girl he had been flirting with and maybe hoping for a casual relationship with, but he had stopped the flirty part as soon as he started pursuing me. Well, that was a lie, as I soon found out. He said they’d only keep talking as friends and nothing more, but apparently one night she tried to set her relationship status as “In relationship with R”, which pissed me off. He told me she was crazy, even showed me their conversations and whatnot, so I saw they were still flirty and that she thought it was a playful gesture on her part (but so wrong). Anyway, they stopped talking altogether when we went public and I found out from our mutual friends that she was extremely surprised… so that says something about the nature of their relationship.
A few months later, I also found that before we went public, he had been long time friends with another girl. I know he told her all about me when we met and first started going out and she supported our relationship and whatnot, but she was very insecure about her looks, so R told her, several times, that she looked fuckable and that if she ever wanted someone to sleep with, he would be available. He told me about this without me snooping, he just randomly confessed to it one day and he told me that it meant nothing to him, since he was just trying to lift her spirits and we weren’t officially in a relationship yet. I was upset about it though and it still kinds of makes me angry when I think about it, but I know he doesn’t talk to her anymore.
Throughout this time he had also been friends with his ex, which was okay at first, even though he has never been fully honest about her either. This will turn into an issue later on.
During the fall, he suddenly became friends with a former classmate from highschool. He said he ran into her one night when she was taking a walk with her parents and they agreed they should meet once to catch up. He said that once when they were kids (well, early on in highschool) he tried to date her, but she wasn’t interested so he quckly gave up and they just remained acquiantances (not friends) and he actually dated a close friend of hers for a few months.
So they suddenly started talking a lot, he complimented her a lot on her photographs (not of her; she studies photography), but she did upload a few racy pics of her on Facebook and he quickly liked each one of them. She kept asking him out but because he spent most of his time with me, he always said no. I started being bothered by their constant talking, but he said I was overreacting. Well, at some point, she had to make a film for school and she asked him to be the protagonist. Also, he’d be the only actor. The whole film would just be the two of them. He immediately accepted but I told him that would just be too much and I couldn’t possibly agree to it, but he just kept going on about how he was just trying to help her. I told him she was very into him and that was the only reason she’d only asked him but he shrugged me off. And one day I found out he was going to her house to watch the movie she was trying to reproduce. He said everything would be fine, nothing would happen and that he’d talk to me the whole time – except he didn’t. He just ignored my texts, until I called him in tears and then he immediately left. I was so angry with him…
To be honest, I did do something that hurt him. I thought since it was ok for him to be friends with his exes (they chatted on Facebook and on the phone, they texted, they even met up once in a while), I thought the same would be ok for me too. Even though our break up was a bit bitter, I wanted to keep things amiable with my ex so as to avoid useless rumors about me. So one time we ran into each other at the train station and we had a quick lunch together and then he sat next to me on the train and we talked for a while. R was furious, angry and raging all in one, but I told him it meant nothing and that I had no intentions with my ex other than to stay amiable. Case in point, my ex soon after asked me out and I just told him that he misunderstood things and I declined, telling him I had new boyfriend. R soon was raging again when he found out about this, but I asked him why he would be allowed to do the same thing, but I would not be? He said in his case it would be different. Soon my ex and I argued over our break up on Facebook and I cut off contact with him.
R apologized about the thing with former HS classmate and we made a deal not to go out with people of the opposite gender unless it’s in a group of friends and therefore unavoidable. He even stopped talking to her and she got the hint and stopped looking for him.
However, HIS ex has haunted most of our relationship. As I said, he always said it ok for him to talk to his ex as much as he wanted, because it was different – he said he was sure he wanted nothing from her. But he wouldn’t allow me the same priviledge. He even got very angry when I talked to other guys and especially angry when a guy I had a sort of one night stand with like 4 years ago (we just kissed and took some of our clothes off, but then nothing happened and I went home; and soon we started dating other people and we just pretended it never happened) asked me out for a coffee in the middle of the day, as friends – I immediately declined, telling him I was busy with exams, but R was angry because I didn’t say “because I have a boyfriend” (but he never used this excuse to decline any girl, he would always say that he was busy). He gets jealous when I like other guys’ pictures, but he was a fan of Playboy and other Facebook pages with naked ladies and regularly liked their photos of naked ladies. He eventually removed them from his Facebook because he said he realized it was hurting me.
While on the topic, I want to say that we have a very active, varied and spicy sex life, even after we moved in. We’ve basically tried everything he ever wanted and he says I keep him vey satisfied. But, still, one morning I woke up and he was watching porn on the computer, right next to the bed we shared. That destroyed most of my self-esteem, since it made me feel like I was not enough for him, especially with everything that had happened. I told him this and he stopped watching porn altogether and he said that I was enough for him and that was not the reason he was watching. I basically writhed in pain and insecurities about my body image months after that, because of this episode and how confused it made me, but he couldn’t really tell why he’d done it. He only told me the truth about 6-7 months later: he wanted to watch porn and then have sex, to see if anything felt different. But it didn’t feel different, so he didn’t do it again. He didn’t tell me this because he was very ashamed of it and he rather let me feel horrible about myself and like it was my fault that it happened… all the while he KNEW how it made me feel, because I told him.
Anyway, back to his ex. He was never honest about her and their history. I only found out most things about her very late into our relationship. He said he didn’t want to tell me everything because he didn’t wat to scare me off. But he left out such things as: until we started going out, he kept trying to convince her to come back to him; one time they went out, he told me it was just some female friend, and only later told me it was her; he lied about the reason they broke up; he first told me they had only been friends since they broke up, but later confessed he tried really hard to make her break up with her boyfriend; he wrote her lots of poetry.
During our relationship, he lied about how often they talked. But, at least at the beginning of our relationship, she was supportive of our relationship, but that soon changed (I guess she wasn’t getting enough attention). I know now that he chatted to her every time he got the occasion and even called her at night, they texted a lot and he avoided telling me that he was texting her. I remember one time I was at his place, we were watching a movie or something and she kept texting him, but he ignored her (because I was there and it was making me feel uncomfortable). Surprise surprise she was upset with him for ignoring her, even though she KNEW he was with me and therefore it would be awkward for him to ignore me for her… but whatever, right? She thought she was more important… He lied about what they talked about, because I later saw some of their convos on Facebook and their texts. I said I wanted to meet her since they were such good friends, but they both avoided making my wish happen as well as they could, finding excuses and whatnot. He did use this as an excuse to talk to her – as in, he’d say he only texted her to ask her when it would be an ok time to meet with us, but I checked and that wasn’t true. They never talked about that, except that one time I was standing next to him and I made him send the question to her.
We eventually made another deal: when we talk to one of our exes, we tell each other and we don’t start conversations with our exes, because it’s hurtful to both of us. Simple as that. He said that was reasonable and he agreed to it. Except he never honored his part of the agreement. He didn’t tell me when he talked to her and he approached her whenever he felt like it. Except I found out and I got mad. I told him I was disappointed in him and he made a very big deal about it, he was very sad and all. But he still kept doing it. And surprise surprise again, I found out that as soon as I left town, she called him for two days in a row, telling him how hard her life was, how she’d broken up with her BF and she kept inviting him over, since she was alone now… He said he declined and eventually she ignored him again because her BF wanted to make up, so the invitation to her place was off. A (male) friend of his was staying over so he says his friend can guarantee he never went to her place. Yeah, well, his friend could always cover for him, so I don’t trust that, but anyway I know where he was during the whole time so anyway he couldn’t have gone there (she invited him to go to her place during 10-12 AM, but one day I know he was at school and other people saw him there, and one day he was on the road).
But anyway he hid this from me as well, I found out on my own, and I was very angry when I found out about it. I told him that there was nothing different between our situations – I took his phone, gave it to him and I asked him to call her and tell her that they can never talk again, right there in front of me. And he did.
… but I am still hurt by everything that has happened.