Are things starting to feel a bit, well flat for you in regards your relationship? Do you feel things could be floundering somewhat? Are you in fact coming to the realisation that you are going to have to do that dreaded relationship deed…..dump them?!
You’re not alone. Unfortunately, not all relationships end up in happy ever after, in fact only a very small percentage of couples that get together as teens end up making it as far a marriage. It’s an inevitable fact of life that we change and evolve within our own selves so it’s no surprise that our relationships do the same and, when things do run their course we need to remember to stay positive (well, as positive as possible in what is no doubt a difficult time) and remain true to ourselves. We need to consider our (soon to be ex) partners feelings through the process and try and leave the relationship with both sides feeling they have retained some dignity and are free to move forward with their lives without too much upset and negativity.
Of course all this is easier said than done. The end of a relationship can sometimes feel like the end of the world and it’s all too easy become immersed by feelings of disappointment, hurt, anger, sadness and despair. But we need to learn to manage these tricky situations, as the likelihood is that you will find yourself facing the end of more than one relationship before you find ‘the one’. It is widely recognised that as the ‘dumpee’, things are especially tough, I mean the choice about your future is literally ripped away from you and you might not have the foggiest idea as to why, BUT what isn’t so appreciated is just how hard things can be for the ‘dumper’ too. Knowing you are probably going to break somebody’s heart, knowing that what you’d hoped would end up as something wonderful is actually failing and knowing that all responsibility for righting the horribly wrong situation sits firmly on your shoulders.
With this in mind, RelationshipSurgery.com has put together a guide to help any potential ‘dumper’ through the wilderness that is ending a relationship;
DON’T bury your head in the sand – When you realise love isn’t blossoming in quite the way you’d hoped, don’t then stick your head in the sand and hope the problem will simply go away – it won’t! In fact, it will only make things worse and your partner will pick up on your distant behaviour and most likely start reacting to it, either by becoming over clingy and perhaps even a bit ‘stalkerish’ of you or they will get increasingly paranoid and anxious – neither of which is an ideal (or fair) situation for either of you. As soon as you realise there is a problem you need to take the bull by the horns and address it.
DON’T delay & be sure – The longer you put off the inevitable, the more likely you are to try and start moving on, whilst still officially being in a relationship. You may start getting tempted by other possible ‘hook ups’ and even end up in a full on affair. Because you’ll have already detached yourself from your bad relationship you will feel minimal restraint and guilt from such situations but of course the reality is that whatever the state of the relationship, whilst you remain in it and your partner is unaware that anything is wrong, any straying behaviour is unacceptable and will only end making an already bad situation MUCH worse. Of course you need to be 100% sure that the relationship is dead in the water and that things will not improve given time before you really do end it.
It’s in the timing – It may seem obvious but when you get round to ‘scheduling’ in the dumping, be sure to consider the timing. No one wants to be dumped on their Birthday or anniversary, and you don’t want to be somebody’s bitter thought every time Christmas rolls around! Remember you are trying to manage the situation as kindly and respectfully as you can so a bit of sensitivity around when you end things will help things a great deal.
Location, location, location – Similarly some thought and consideration needs to be given to WHERE you will do the deed. Given that you don’t know what their reaction is going to be, but you can predict it probably won’t be a warm smile and a hand shake, you need to plan to meet in a reasonably quiet spot. You don’t want the embarrassment of a full on emotional melt down in front of a room full of people. Equally, you don’t want to leave your now ex, teary eyed and having to catch a bus for a 30 minute ride home!
Face to face – It’s crucial that you front this up and end the relationship face to face. After all you have shared plenty of special times together and they deserve the respect you show them by meeting them in person. Don’t be a coward!
Be speedy – You’ve made the decision to dump, you’ve picked the place and are ‘manning up’ to do it in person. We would then recommend that you keep it short and sweet (well, perhaps the sweet is a tad optimistic!). A bit like ripping off a band aid, the dumping needs to be swift! Explain your reasons, make sure you focus on you and not them, avoiding any unnecessary ‘overfilling’ which will just drag the process out. The sooner it is done, the sooner you can both move on.
Not a blame game – As we said above, keep the reasons for ending the relationship all about you. Avoid getting bogged down by issues, even if you do feel it’s them or their behaviour that is causing the problem. Whatever the reasons may be, focus on the positives, be nice and don’t give them any wiggle room!
Let them have a say – It’s important for the dumpee to be able to feel like they have had a voice when it’s all over so do give them the opportunity to speak. You can then reiterate your feelings back to them – (it’s not you it’s me!) and hopefully they will at least feel like they can get a bit of closure from expressed themselves.
Stay strong – When they do have their say, it’s likely that they will be trying to talk you round and persuade you into giving the relationship/them another go. STAY STRONG! Don’t be guilted into giving them false hope just to make yourself feel better……it will only end up with you having to do the whole thing again. If the reasons you give them for ending the relationship focus mostly on yourself then that will give them minimal wiggle room to try and talk you round by promising to change etc.
Set post break up rules – Ensure that having gone through all of the above, you can then draw a line under things and have a clean break. It’s essential you are both free to move on with your own lives without still being entangled in each other’s. Set clear post break up rules which involve no contact, or where this can’t be avoided, minimal contact. No phone calls/texting/e-mailing etc, at least until a significant period of time has passed that you both feel able to handle being just friends.