Men are such a blessing to our lives.
They may not always say and do the right things, but Lord do they try. Sometimes it’s comical, sometimes it is stupid, and sometimes it’s just downright offensive. But, without men, we would all be walking around with big heads and little humor in our lives. Check out these 13 guys and their idea of wooing a woman. I promise you will crack up.
Spanish isn’t the language of love.
My freshman year of high school, I had a crush on a senior. When I found out she was from Ecuador and tutored Spanish, I decided to fail my next Spanish exam so my teacher would recommend I get a tutor.
My goal was to meet with her once a week, have her teach me Spanish and, in the process, make her mi amor.
I ended up passing the next exam but failed miserably at seduction. Oh well, I guess that’s why French is the language of love and Spanish isn’t.
He’s now at the top of the CIA totem pole.
In seventh grade, I hacked into my friend’s Myspace and commented on my own profile saying how weird my crush looked with glasses.
I then signed back on my profile and defended her in hopes she would see it. When my friend found out, I denied the whole endeavor until about a year ago.
He fell for her. Literally.
In eighth grade, I had a huge crush on a girl who I was on the track team with. I was a bit of a nerd and totally awkward, so I never really approached her. We would exchange pleasantries when our eyes met at practice, and that was about it.
I was way too nervous to ask her for her phone number, let alone a date, so I was biding my time, waiting for the perfect moment, hoping the stars would align in my favor.
We practice on a track that was at the bottom of a very steep hill. There was a concrete path going up the ridge of the hill, and the grass along the fence was typically a little soggy, slick, and the gradient was much steeper.
Every day after practice, we would walk up the concrete path to catch the bus at the top of the hill.
One day after practice, I am practically at the top of the hill when I hear my crush call my name.
She was screaming up to me from the bottom of the hill asking if I could help her carry some of the field equipment up because it was heavy.
A normal human being would probably just have jogged briskly down the concrete to go help the poor girl, but not CJ.
I decided I needed to come to her aid NOW. I braved the face of the hill with long, majestic strides, traveling literally faster than my legs could carry me.
I ended up falling after about 10 good paces. It had rained the previous day so the hill was good and muddy.
I tumbled all 50 yards down this hill and into the chain link fence that borders the track. I stood up, covered in mud. Everyone saw this. People were laughing, pointing, the whole nine yards.
I don’t think I ever talked to that girl again. I still can’t live that one down.
The man who is a pro at saying sorry.
I pretended to like a girl because she was the most popular girl in middle school.
Once, she got mad at me, so I bought her a Juicy bracelet for $35, and she didn’t want to keep it, but of course, she did.
Now, I don’t like girls, and she and I are best friends.
— Andrew, who is gay
All I can say is a lack of effort will never be his problem.
I had some vague feelings toward a fifth grader once — I was also in fifth grade at the time — but when we entered sixth grade, and I became a man, those feelings blossomed into a weirdly strong crush.
We had always been friends, but as I pursued her and the months wore on, she started to resent me more and more due to the long-winded stalker emails I would send her about my red-hot lust.
The resent soon soured into hate. This girl, once my friend, wanted nothing to do with me, and for good reason.
I was sending her love emails via the school email, which every teacher had access to, like I was some kind of preteen voyeur.
So I eased off the love throttle until February rolled around, at which point I had forgotten she hated me, and I came up with a Valentine’s day scheme that would win her heart: buy her a sweet gift. Specifically, jewelry.
But I wasn’t about to actually buy jewelry. How embarrassing.
So instead, I decided to sneak into my mom’s room and burgle some earrings. Trembling, I slinked up to her dresser, a bead of sweat rolling down my forehead.
The tension built in my soul as my fingers approached the handles. I silently slid out the drawer, chest heaving like a rower in heat, and found the stash.
I selected a pair, and crept out.
The next day, I met Reilly after school in the locker sections, which had been converted from showers when our school used to be a boarding school, so the floors were tiled a sickly yellow, and a drain was pinned to the center.
I reached into my pockets with my sweaty hands and pulled out two loose earrings. I didn’t have a box because stealing doesn’t come with packaging.
She gasped in mixed surprise and joy, but my hands were shaking so much that I dropped one of the earrings on to the shower floor only to watch it bounce dangerously close to the drain.
I scrambled to pick it up and presented it to her, my face red with nerves and acne.
She thanked and hugged me. The day was won.
I had forgotten, however, that our moms were friends, and when Reilly’s mom thanked mine for the ‘beautiful earrings Zach gave her,’ my mom replied, “What earrings?”
One tearfully hysterical talking-to later, my mother sent me on a mission to retrieve and return the earrings I had stolen.
Things didn’t look good for the R + Zs inscribed in hearts on my day planner.
So I asked for them back, and Reilly smiled way too much not to know what had happened, and I didn’t get the girl.
I went ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ on this girl, and I lost, although George Clooney probably never had to give back the millions he stole, cry about it and apologize.
But I tried. I really tried.
And I bet you loved it.
I went to a f*cking OAR concert.
Part of the plan worked, just not the important part.
I’m a stand-up comic, and I used to run a comedy touring company that went to colleges on the East Coast.
I once booked a show in Binghamton*, which was over four hours away, because a friend of mine was showing me the Facebook of a girl he went to high school with who went to college there.
She was not only super cute, but she also had seen a video I did and thought it was funny.
I convinced myself when this girl would see me perform, she would instantly fall in love with me or something, and I was kinda right.
I had a great set, the show was super fun, and she told me she thought I was really funny… when I met her and her boyfriend.
I would say this is probably the dumbest and most time-consuming thing I’ve done to meet a girl.
*college name changed
He really fell four her.
In elementary school, I had a crush on a girl who wrote her fours like ‘4,’ but I wrote my fours without there being a triangle at the top — like, my two top lines of the four were parallel. Does that make sense?
Anyways, in hopes of making her think we had more in common, I started writing my fours like she wrote them.
She never noticed. And I’ve written the fours like that ever since.
Maybe he got the wrong flavor?
I used to walk two miles with a gallon of Arizona Iced Tea and just leave it on my ex-girlfriend’s door step.
It was her favorite drink, and I was grounded, so I’d sneak out every night to make this delivery.
Couples who fix messes together, stay together.
In my media history class, day one, I sat next to the cute girl in class, solidifying my place by her side for the entire semester.
She was a fixture at the school paper while I was just a come-and-go writer, more concerned with partying than establishing a portfolio — so I knew her, but we were far from a first-name basis.
Anyway, I ran into her once in my building and asked her to eat at the dining hall (the college equivalent of a date). She agreed.
Despite the lunch going really well, she still seemed distant afterwards. So, a few days, weeks of nothing but pleasantries and class-related banter had passed and still not much of a connection.
Then, one day, I went to do laundry in the communal laundry room, and it was flooded.
I then saw, shortly after, a tweet from her saying something along the lines of ‘Omg I broke the washing machine, and the whole room is flooded.’
The next day in class, I handed her a list of instructions on how to do laundry. She thought it was really cute and endearing, asked me to a second dinner later that day, and we dated for two years.
Nothing like trying to legalize the person you love.
I offered a girl a green card.
She either has bad eyesight or he lucked out.
Well, four years ago, I was with my best friend who was on every dating site you can imagine, and he always asked me to tag along.
One night, he asked if I wanted to hang out with some girls, and I was all for it.
So he called the girl because she had a friend for me and we could introduce each other before we met.
After we said our names, she asked what I look like, and at the time we were watching ‘Law Abiding Citizen’ with Gerard Butler, so my immediate response was, ‘I’m a heavy-set Gerard Butler.’
She seemed to like that. Been together for four years since.
— Dan, who doesn’t look like Gerard Butler
I don’t know if I’m impressed or creeped out.
I moved to NY, started a company, geared it toward females so she’d read it, sold it and got in Forbes’ ’30 Under 30′ so she and her family would vouch for me and rekindle our love.