Do they have a skeleton in their closet?!
You’ve gotten through those first few dates and are gradually entering into the enigma that is ‘coupledom’ but, just as you think your love life is picking up steam you suddenly find you can’t shake the feeling that all is maybe not as it seems. Is there something shifty going on with them that you can’t quite put your finger on? Are they acting out of character, or have they always been somewhat surreptitious in nature?
Well Hannah at RelationshipSurgery.com would say listen to your gut! ‘No matter how well you think you know someone, it’s likely there are going to be things that they’re never going to want share BUT what we need to be aware of is that some people can be actively dishonest and, if you pay attention and look out for the signs you may find they are keeping one or two secret`s which could be damaging your relationship.’ She warns.
People can lie and tell you want to hear and you can end up ‘in deep’ with the person you thought they were, not who they are. Sometimes those sweet smiles can be masking the darkest secrets, and secrets mean lies.
It could be that they are secretly aware that they’re seeing you on the rebound, or that they are secretly cheating on you or even that they secretly want to be single but ultimately when a foundation is laid on secrets a relationship of mistrust is built. We need to be open and honest from the start to give our relationships a fighting chance.
If you can’t shake that niggling doubt that all is not as it seems with your beloved then here are our top warning signs to watch out for;
Too much information!
Are you finding they seem to be constantly supplying you with too much information as to where they’ve been, what they’ve been doing, who they’ve been with etc? Often when people are withholding something they tend to overcompensate with too much detail and irrelevant information. This is often accompanied by pauses and hesitations, peppered with ‘um’s and ‘ers’. Basically they are trying to think of additional facts to distract from the actual truth. After all, when we’re being truthful we don’t tend to relay the small stuff because it is extraneous to our point.
Change in sexual appetite
Either a sudden urge for more sex or a total withdrawing from you physically, these uncharacteristic behaviours can be clues of something more sinister at bay! In the first instance it could be that they are trying to distract you from thinking anything is wrong by overcompensation on the ‘loving’ front. They could be using it to avoid having actual conversations where they’ll feel worried they might slip up and reveal something they don’t want to! Alternatively they might be feeling guilty about their secret and as a result might be unable to connect with you emotionally and exhibit withdrawal behaviours as a result.
Dry mouth & Itchy nose!
There are several physical manifestations of secretive behaviour in a person, but a fairly tell-tale one in particular is a dry mouth. When we’re trying to lie our adrenalin increases which creates little saliva hence the need for lots of swallowing and gulping. They might frequently reach for a drink or gum to help combat their dry mouth. In addition to restricting saliva, the increased adrenalin can also open up the capillaries in the nose which causes it to itch. If your partner is displaying both these non-verbal ‘tells’’ then perhaps it’s time to look a little deeper into your hunch that they are not being honest with you.
One of the biggest body language myths about when people are being dishonest is that they avoid eye contact. In fact whilst some of us might find it difficult to keep a secret whilst looking you in the eyes, the more practiced liars among us will, in something of a double bluff actually overcompensate as if to prove that they are not lying by making too much eye contact and holding it for an uncomfortably long time. There is, however, one eye movement signal that can give their clandestine game away and it requires breaking eye contact. After speaking, some less than honest rogues immediately shift their gaze down and away, then back at you again in a brief glimpse to see if you bought the dishonestly.
Too good to be true
Finally, just to add to the paranoia and complications that come with experiencing a dishonest (any!) relationship, sometimes even the nicest things can be a warning sign to a hazard ahead. We have all heard the phrase ‘if it’s too good to be true then it probably is!’ well it can sometimes be the case that if your partner is being super lovely, considerate and amazingly attentive then unfortunately it could be that they are trying to blind you with their wonderfulness and as a result hopefully then blind you to the secret they’re hiding from you.
Of course, there are some lucky couples out there who literally do hit the proverbial jackpot but even in these instances, I would urge keeping a modicum of caution when moving forward with the relationship – take your time, enjoy each other at a leisurely pace & that way you won’t miss the signs if things start to unravel.