Moving in together too soon
You never fully know a person until you’ve lived with them. If you immediately jump into moving in together you are going to be forced to learn about each other’s annoying habits straight away and may not have time to deal with them. Make sure you have boundaries already in place before such a big step.
Making your partner your ultimate priority
There’s nothing wrong with always being there to support your partner, but don’t let them impede on everything else in your life. You will start to lose sight of other important factors in your life like relationships with friends and family or even career aspects.
Trying to change someone
This never works. You will start to focus all your energy into changing aspects you don’t like about them, and forget about why you started dating in the first place. Resentment can start to form in the relationship if they don’t change as much as you planned.
Always picking up the tab
You may think this is a romantic gesture but after a while they can become reliant on you. Partnerships should be equal where they can be, and one person shouldn’t be financially reliant on the other if that’s not a feasible idea. Let your partner spoil you too.
Making too many compromises
Compromising on small issues can be a good thing and show signs of strength, however don’t limit everything you want to go for. Eventually you will end up with nothing if you constantly give up on your ideas and boundaries in the relationship, which will make both parties miserable.
Forcing their behaviours
“If only you called me pet names like ___ calls their partner”. Asking for change is okay, but it needs to be done in a mature and sensitive manner. Comparing them to other couples can lower their self esteem and make them think they aren’t enough as they are.
Scaring them straight
Threatening to break up if they step out of line hurts both of you. If your partner is loyal, then they will just feel like you don’t trust them and if they aren’t loyal, you’ve just given them the nudge to hide it extra well.
Idealizing your partner
Don’t look at everything through rose tinted glasses. At the beginning of relationships we can think our significant other can do wrong, but don’t become naive. You can also become disappointed easily if they fall short of their ‘superhuman’ image you had of them in your head.
Comparing them to others
This only makes them feel bad about themselves. If you keep saying that another couple does this and that, you just push them away from you as they feel like you’d rather be with another person than them. Remember the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Sharing everything on social media
Your personal life should remain personal. Social media is not the place to be airing your dirty laundry or fighting publically with your partner. It comes across as very childish and your family and friends don’t need to be involved in your private matters as it can drag them into arguments unwarranted.
‘Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen’ was definitely made up by someone with unsuccessful relationships. You shouldn’t want to purposefully upset your partner or make them jealous as it shows you’re not fully committed to making it work. Communicate your needs like an adult or walk away.
Avoiding conflict isn’t the positive take it sounds like. You need to speak through issues in order to resolve them, and it doesn’t have to be done through screaming matches. Never raising issues that are bothering you will lead to resentment and unsolved problems that could end the relationship unnecessarily.
Lying to spare their feelings
They should be open to hearing you out without you needing to lie to protect them. Whilst you may think you’re being a nice person, it can come back to bite you later and you could start to be given the reputation of a liar or being unhonest.
Not controlling jealousy
Jealousy has been romanticized especially amongst younger generations, but really it’s a toxic trait to have. It shows a lack of trust and respect for your partner and if you constantly have to watch them to make sure they’re being loyal, it will become tiring for both of you very fast.
Getting ‘too’ comfortable
If you are too stuck in a routine it can start to feel like you’re bored with your partner and that can start to spark unwanted emotions. Have goals and aspirations that both of you can aim to achieve with each other, whether that be vacations, home projects or business ideas.
Giving make-up gifts
Expensive gifts after an argument or fight can be a red flag. Your partner may be trying to manipulate you into ‘forgetting’ their bad behavior by bribing you with money. This can also be held over your head later on if you try to raise any problems within the relationship.
Sharing every irritant
Communication is key, but that doesn’t mean you have to bully your partner. Small things that irritate you might be something they can’t change about themselves like how they walk funny, how their laugh sounds or how they talk on the phone. At the end of the argument you’ll realize it wasn’t worth mentioning.
Treating them like a child
Driving you everywhere, forcing a bed time or controlling your diet may seem like a strong form of care but can quickly become controlling. If they don’t trust you to look after yourself, they may secretly not trust you with other things. It can also make you feel less mature and stable in the relationship.
Always cheering them up
This seems like an odd point to make, but always trying to make them happy and ‘snap out of it’ can make your partner feel invalid. Sad emotions are normal to have, especially during sad or stressful times and always being the clown isn’t needed.
Saying you can’t live without them
This isn’t a romantic gesture of love, this is highly manipulative. This puts pressure on your partner to constantly be their best for you and also doesn’t allow yourself to be self-sufficient. If you can’t survive and thrive alone, adding a partner to this situation won’t make your issues any better.
Making their happiness your responsibility
We all want our partners to be happy and we do have some responsibility to uplift them, but it can’t fully land on you. It can become very draining constantly being the rock for both of you and can impact your own mental health. Encourage them to take more steps to help their own happiness.
Overly venting to your friends about your partner
Of course our friends are there to be an occasional shoulder to cry on after a fight, but if that’s all you talk about with them it becomes a problem. If they only ever hear the negatives about your partner it makes for awkward social situations when everyone gets together.
Overly spending money on them
Especially if you both have very average incomes, spending all your money on them can go sour quickly. They can either start to expect your money more often or can feel pressured into accepting expensive gifts that make them feel guilty. Communicate before hand on what kind of gifts you would each like to receive for the future.
Changing your appearance for them
If you feel the need to look a certain way for them to be happy, that’s not a healthy relationship. Your partner shouldn’t be controlling how you look or dress, and if you feel obliged to wake up and wear a full face of makeup everyday it can make you constantly feel bad about yourself.
Planning the future too early
If you spend all your time talking about weddings, vacations or kids you could be losing the time you have right now. Future events should feel like they progress naturally with the relationship and don’t need to be forced or overly planned out to the second.
Wanting to be together 24/7
When you spend every second with someone else you can start to lose sight of your own identity. This can impact the relationship as you can become too reliant on your partner and not be able to be comfortable in your own company or others.
Trying to ‘save’ them
You don’t have to be your partner’s therapist. Some people are not mentally ready to be in relationships and can be emotionally unavailable, so don’t go in believing you can change all that and save them from what they are struggling with. Discuss beforehand where they’re at and take a step back.
Loving someone fully ‘unconditionally’
Love does have some conditions, so don’t let people tell you that you have to put up with absolutely everything. If your partner is disrespectful or abusive you have every right to walk away, because they are crossing boundaries that every person should have to keep them safe.
Even in a relationship, you should still be two individuals. Having shared interest can make your bonds stronger, but not everything needs to be shared. Having your own hobbies, friends and interests keeps your own identity in check and helps you remain happy within yourself.
Mirroring their personality
You want your partner to be impressed by you especially at the start of the relationship, but pretending to be exactly like them ends badly. Forcing yourself to like what they like, talk or think in a certain way will eventually unravel and you don’t want your relationship to begin on dishonesty.
Needing too much outward validation
We always go to our friends and family for approval and advice but they don’t need to be the dictator of your relationships. It will take a bit of time for your friends to fully warm up and get to know your partner so don’t take their advice or opinion as fact on who they think your significant other is.
Snooping in their business
There shouldn’t be any huge secrets between partners but sometimes private matters from outside the relationship don’t need to be discussed. For example if your friend told you something embarrassing or vulnerable, that doesn’t mean your partner needs to know because it’s private to your friend and this can cause strain between everyone involved.
‘Surprising’ them with money
If you have a joint bank account or work together to pay bills, large purchases without discussion before hand can be seen as a lack of trust and respect for your partner, even if the ‘gift’ is for them. This can make them feel obliged to accept the gift even if they feel concern about where the money for it came from.
Avoiding your past to spare the details
Not everyone wants to hear about your previous relationships, but constantly hiding or avoiding subjects can make your partner feel unworthy or out of the loop. Learning about your past can help couples get to know each other more and also keep each other safe from any previous issues.
Forcing them too out of their comfort zones
Encouraging your partner to become a better version of themselves and try new things can be great, but know where to draw the line. Pressuring your partner to do things you find ‘fun’ or meeting new people can make them feel unsafe and forced to pretend to like things they don’t and can make them feel uncomfortable around you.
Wanting to be fair doesn’t seem like a bad trait to have, but after a while it can look like ‘keeping score’. Doing things just to be fair can make your partner feel like they have to do something in return out of obligation and that your feelings for them aren’t genuine and out of love.
Truly believing they are your ‘second half’
This sounds pessimistic, but you can’t truly be happy if you need someone else to complete you. In order to be happiest in your relationships, you need to have a good level of self-esteem and self value, because relying on others to provide that sort of validation becomes unhealthy over time.
Always prioritizing them over your friends
Losing connections with your friends because you want to spend all your time and energy on one person can leave you without any support. You need your friends to be part of your life outside of your relationship, keep you grounded and help you maintain your own identity.
At first it can be endearing to have someone love you SO much they can’t leave you alone, but it gets old. Being too clingy can be suffocating on your partner and they can start to try tactics to avoid you, as they may feel communicating directly that they want some alone time may upset you.
Giving them too many second chances
No, they still haven’t changed. Constantly taking someone back after they wronged you can leave you in a vulnerable position. It’s hard to let go of people especially if they’ve come back begging and insisting they’ve changed, but don’t let guilt put you in another emotionally draining relationship.