I would love to sit here and claim that I have never been someone’s option, but always a priority.
But that would be a lie. I have been an option before, as much as I don’t want to admit it. And I think at some point in life almost everyone has been the option. What I realized today though, is that I was so busy being miserable about being someone’s option, that I wasn’t my own priority. And that’s where I failed myself.
I want to write this post to everyone out there who feels like the options today. I want you to read this, maybe feel sorry for yourself for a bit, and then pick yourself up and start treating yourself like a priority, so no one else can ever treat you like an option again.
So how does it feel, not being someone’s priority?
Well, for starters, you pretty much can’t stop thinking about what’s wrong with you.
It’s not even about you, and that’s what’s crazy. You aren’t the reason someone isn’t treating you the way they should. And the thing is, there is nothing you can do, no level of perfection you could reach, to ever become enough for them to make you number one. The problem is them. It’s not that you aren’t pretty enough, patient enough or exciting enough, it’s the fact that people who treat others as if they are second best really have an issue with themselves. No one else can fix that problem for them either, and no one can prove them wrong. They will find a reason to make you an option every time.
You have to know, the only thing you are doing wrong is staying around to let them question you. If you aren’t “enough” in their eyes to be a priority, then cut the ties and give someone else to chance to treat you right. I guarantee they are out there.
You start to become insecure.
This is the one that really gets me. Relationships are about bettering each other. Healthy relationships consist of reassuring each other and building one another’s confidence, not tearing it down. I think the biggest red flag you can encounter is when someone makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you question your worth. That isn’t love and it never will be. Loving someone means putting their happiness and feelings above your own, and if that’s not happening, you can’t possibly call it love. Look for someone who makes you feel confident and appreciated for who you are and what you bring to the table. That is the minimum expectation every man and woman should have when seeking out a partner. Otherwise, your days of knowing your worth are long gone.
You’re future suddenly seems unclear.
The thing about dating someone who isn’t all-in, is that you don’t usually make concrete decisions that could change your life because you still are hanging onto the hope that your life will soon become our life. If you stick around waiting to become a priority, you’re going to miss several opportunities to better yourself and your situation. If you find yourself agreeing to make changes you would otherwise pass up, just because you think it will bring the two of you closer, you’re wrong. Those choices will only take you further from your own destiny.
I think most people who date those who never want to settle down with one person generally know deep down that they are making the wrong choice. It’s scary to walk away from something you have invested in, but it’s necessary. You can’t spend your whole life walking away from your aspirations to chase someone around in circles. You have to do what is honestly best for you, and not rely on your relationship to take you there. We spend so much time chasing after love only to get hurt in the end when really it’s our passion we should be chasing.
It hurts like hell.
Forget all the factual information about how it causes insecurity, questioning of life choices, blah, blah, blah. The most detrimental part of being treated like an option is the pain it causes. Nothing hurts more than feeling like you aren’t loveable enough or wanted enough to be committed to. The worst feeling in the world is having all the try and love in the universe for someone, but knowing they don’t have even half if it for you. You go the extra mile and carry the weight of both partners, yet you don’t get any closer to commitment. It’s emotionally exhausting. It’s heartbreaking. And quite frankly, it’s bullshit.
Yes, everyone suffers in love. It’s not always easy and humans are just wired to make mistakes. No one will be perfect and no one will spare you from tears. The difference is the way they make up for it, and how often they do it. I want to cry over someone who will feel just as bad as I do for making me cry. I want to be angry with someone who makes it a priority to make it up to me. I want to hurt for someone who won’t brush off my feelings and make the same mistake over and over.
You deserve to be happy, and when you aren’t happy in your relationship, you deserve the person who will make it a priority to get back to being in a good place.
On moving forward.
At some point or another, you will get pissed off at this person who won’t make you their priority, and you have every right to be angered. It is my hope that when this happens you become motivated to move on. Leave what will never be, behind and go after a life where someone else does not control how you feel. It will be painful, as every breakup is, but the difference between staying and going is this: The pain you feel from breaking up will eventually go away, and the pain you feel by always being an option will never go away. Moving on provides hope that you will find someone else who recognizes your worth.
Have some respect and responsibility for yourself. Take all of your love, try and wonderful qualities away from the person who is sucking you dry, and give them to someone who is worth it. I always say, “you should be with someone who loves you as much as you love them, and who proves it with their actions.”