I read about and see so much fear in relationships every day when it comes to the topic of lies and deceit. It can be so damaging to a couple so I have decided to break a few things down for you.
As I have said in the past, in order to have a healthy fulfilling relationship, you need to come from a place of trust and honesty. This “trust” is not only a word, it needs to be worked on and developed. The stronger it gets, the more you will enjoy your relationship.
Whenever I hear of a relationship not working our, the majority of times it all spans back to the early niggling doubts, worries or insecurity that develops and grows until it becomes too much and ruins things.
You spend so much time worrying about whether or not it is just in your head. Thinking and analysing your partner so much that you stop enjoying the relationship for what it is. You start to question it and whether or not you’re your partner loves you back and whether they can be trusted. There’s only one thing that manifests from that place… “neediness”.
But what is “neediness” and where does it come from. I’ve had some of my female readers complain that the term neediness makes it sound like I’m framing women as weak, fragile, insecure creatures that just cling to men (and stress them out).
This is so wrong its untrue. I think the woman brings a great strength to the relationship but they need to have access to it and be totally free of their own fears first.
Now more than ever men and women have fears in their relationships. The world around us really doesn’t help with daytime TV shows focusing on problems other couples are having. Facebook and social media airing the problems of friends and family members. Also there is a raft of self help products with promotional videos designed to plant the seed of doubt in the mind of the viewer in order to sell them the quick fix solutions.
One of these major fears specifically on the mind of a lot of women is, why do men lie?
Reasons Men Lie
Maybe they don’t want to hurt your feelings
If in the past you have become dramatic and upset when he tells you the truth about menial things, you are essentially telling him to say what you want to hear in order to avoid any conflict. Best case this will lead to him sugar coating to avoid getting into a difficult subject. At worst it could lead to him telling a lie to avoid the drama. Men live in the mindset and play by the rules of wins and losses. You may see it as cowardly but that is the way it is. What is the point in the mans mind of being honest when it continually leads to upset and conflict.
To avoid any drama
As I have said already, if the man sees telling a white lie here and there as an easier and less painful option to telling the truth, he will take the easy road? I’m not advocating telling lies and I hold honesty as a high virtue for myself, but when we are looking into this, we need to remember some fundamentals about human nature: Men and Women want to make life easier for ourselves, not harder. Which leads me onto my next point…
They see no benefit in being honest
If you want the truth and honesty, find a way to reward that behavior, not punish it by putting him through h**l.
They want to impress you and/or they don’t feel like “enough” without lying or putting up a front.
From one angle, you could almost look at this one as a compliment: the guy is trying to impress you because he doesn’t feel “good enough” to get you on his own. It’s not a compliment though – it’s not only insecure behavior, but it also doesn’t allow for a real foundation to be built for a relationship. For a guy to be honest with you, he has to be secure enough in himself to know that you’ll still want him if he’s “real” with you.
At this stage and before you fill up the comments with things like “why should we reward him for being honest grr?”, And “why shouldn’t we put him through h**l if the truth is that he’s being a total idiot?”
Just stop… Let me explain it like this…
Firstly, this is not just a trait of the male. It is a trait of human nature. Both men and women seek to avoid conflict when they can.
I’m sure you have told the odd white lie to other female friends when you are trying to gee them along.
Think of your friend that has been dumped and put on some weight, she looks at you with tears in her eyes and asks “Do you think I look fat?” Would you say, “Yes, you look enormous?” No of course not, you would say something like, “No, you look great!” or something just as nice.
Why do you do this? Well its because you want to make her feel good. You want to avoid uncomfortable conflicts and you want to make her happy.
Most of us know people on the other end of the spectrum and are totally honest all the time. Those kinds of people go beyond being brutally honest and are often brutal to be around.
Tactful, well delivered honesty is a tall order to expect from people. Sad, but true – the best you can do is encourage tactful honesty from them.
When someone is honest with you, they are trying to do the right thing and respect you – the best response you can give them is to thank them for their honesty and let them know how it hit you without drama. It takes emotional maturity and life experience to be able to show people that you can handle and appreciate honesty.
But when you do, people will be honest with you – this applies to both men and women.
This is just my opinion so I would be interested to know if you agree in the comments below.